I knew I had found my calling when my barista started calling me by my first name. Not the fake name I give when they ask—my actual name. Somehow Maria had figured it out despite me insisting my name was “Groot” for three straight months.

“Your usual today, Daniel?” she asked with a knowing smile.

The Five Stages of Coffee Devotion

Stage 1: Innocence
Coffee is just something adults drink in movies. Then during finals: “This bitter dirt water isn’t so bad,” and add your seventh sugar packet.

Stage 2: Functionality
You buy a Mr. Coffee machine and feel terribly sophisticated. “It’s just about the caffeine,” you tell yourself, like saying you watch Broadway musicals “for the plot.”

Stage 3: The Awakening
Your first properly extracted espresso parts the heavens. “There are NOTES? In COFFEE?” you exclaim too loudly. You Google “coffee bloom” under the table and nod when people mention “Chemex.”

Stage 4: The Spiral
Your kitchen hosts more brewing equipment than cooking utensils. Your grinder costs more than your first car. Your search history includes “water mineral content optimal extraction” and “Is it normal to dream about Yirgacheffe?”

Stage 5: Enlightenment
You weigh beans on a jewelry scale. Your significant other threatens to leave if you buy “just one more pour-over device.” When traveling, you research coffee shops before hotels.

Signs You’ve Gone Too Far

• You describe people as coffee varieties: “He’s definitely a dark roast—intense but dependable.”
• You’ve hand-ground beans at 3 AM by moonlight because you didn’t want to wake anyone but needed to prepare for a 6 AM meeting.
• You’ve described a date as “underdeveloped with a quick, unsatisfying finish,” and weren’t talking about their personality.
• You own a thermometer specifically for monitoring coffee temperature.
• Your customs declaration form makes you sweat because of the single-origin beans hidden in your socks.

In the end, we all have our passions. Some people collect stamps. Others train for marathons. I spend thirty minutes each morning performing what looks to outsiders like a chemistry experiment just to produce a single cup of coffee.

And I regret nothing. Now excuse me, my cup has reached exactly 136°F – the optimal temperature for detecting notes of blackberry and dark chocolate in this Ugandan microlot.

Don’t judge me. You know who you are.